Turning the Tables
by LilacGrace444
Summary: Being stuck at 12 Grimmauld Place can drive anyone crazy. Is Harry seeing things? Who is forced out of the closet? Who will win this absurd argument? A silly story about falling in love and how to deal with it. AU HG/SS and HP/DM. Entertainment guaranteed!
1. Part 1

Turning the Tables

A/N: This story was written in the fall of 2009 by both LilacGrace444 and VioletKitty02. It was written in conjunction by passing a notebook back and forth. The plot and characters are obviously supposed to be very Alternate Universe. It is all nonsense. This is not how we see the characters as truly being, we just wanted to have a bit of fun. The dialogue and soap opera action are ridiculous because we made the challenge of trying to one up each other along the way. Laugh, enjoy, and of course, REVIEW!

Disclaimer: Not ours.

Part 1

"Harry, what is that outside the window?" Draco asked, while the Golden Boy washed the dishes at 12 Grimmauld Place.

"I don't know, Dray. It looks like some kind of flying creature. You know the ones from the Wizard of Oz?" Harry replied, setting a plate aside.

"Potter," Draco rolled his head back towards him, eyebrow raised to accompany the infamous smirk, "We live in the _Wizarding _World. We _have_ flying creatures, remember? A hippogriff-you've flown one. A dragon-you've defeated one. Thestrals-obviously, you've seen those. Phoenixes-"

"I get it! There's no point in being sarcastic, Malfoy. I've never seen a creature that looks like that. What do you think it is, Mr. I'm-So-Smart-Cause-I'm-A-Pureblood-But-I-Still-Got-Beaten-By-A-Muggleborn?" Harry said, glaring at Draco. Draco glowered back.

"I thought we agreed never to bring that back up." Draco grabbed Harry's arm a bit roughly. After a long minute of familiar glares of animosity, Draco quietly added "…and I thought Granger was unbearable before then."

"Look, Dray, I didn't think it still bothered you."

"Well, it does. How would you feel if I kept reminding you about the time you walked in on Remus and Tonks upstairs?"

"Draco!"

"You wouldn't like it, and neither do I. So you have no right to remind me that Granger beat me in school," the blond huffed.

Harry chuckled and replied, "Do you mean with her grades or her fist?" Draco huffed and shoved him out of the way. Harry shoved him back, and walked out of the room.

"Merlin, I can't believe I'm stuck in this forsaken house with you of all people! I bet you feel right at home in this mess of dark rooms, useless expensive crap, and screaming pureblood portraits…" Harry muttered as he stormed up the stairs.

"Maybe I do!" Draco yelled after him.

"Stupid Potter and his hissy fits," he muttered as he glanced back out the window.

"What are you looking at, Draco?" Draco shrieked and whirled around to face his godfather.

"Don't do that! I was looking at the-" Draco turned to the window, but the creature was gone. "What are you doing here, Sev?"

"Coming to see if you two have hexed each other profusely yet, what else? Severus Snape snarkily replied.

"What, would you like a VIP pass to the show? Sadistic old man…"Draco grunted, flopping down onto the emerald plush couch with a petulance rivaling a Hufflepuff first year. Snape rolled his eyes and cuffed Draco on the back of his head.

"I don't have time for your childishness. Where's Potter?"

"Upstairs," Draco said with a pout, rubbing the back of his head.

"I'm guessing you two had a spat, immature little twats. Pity it didn't get violent. Well, unfortunately I have Order business with the Boy-Who-Did-Whatever-People-Want-to-Believe." Snape stepped into the stairway, but turned back before ascending to say, "And try to obtain some manhood while I'm gone." Draco harrumphed and tossed his head to get the hair out of his eyes.

"Who does he think he is? Obtain some manhood," he mimicked as he got out his nail file to finish his manicure. Harry and Snape came back down a few minutes later. Harry rolled his eyes.

"Sissy pouf," he snickered. Draco opened his mouth to respond, but Snape cut him off.

"Draco, you're gayer than your father and Voldemort put together. And believe me, I've seen such a thing, and that was _not_ a pretty picture." Harry and Draco gaped alike while Snape simply shrugged, face emotionless but mirthful eyes proving he was truly pleased at their shock and disgust.

"Oh that is sick. I didn't even think Voldemort had what it took to do that. Guess Tom has more in him than I thought, and apparently Lucius has more Slytherin in him than I thought too…A lot more…Never took him for such a snake charmer. Guess Voldemort's not the only Parselmouth," Harry said, tears rolling down his face as he rolled on the floor laughing. Draco seemed to be turning a sickly shade of green.

"Showing your true house colors, Malfoy?" Snape asked as he relinquished his hold and began cruelly chuckling as well.

"Yeah, all he needs now is some silver fairy dust and he'll be showing his house colors and his gayness," Harry snickered. Snape stopped laughing and turned his mocking gaze to Harry. Harry slowed his snickers.

"Potter," Snape spat with the corner of his mouth twitching upwards, "your pitiful attempt to imitate those straight dunderheads you call friends makes me want to break down your closet door with an axe, just to hear you scream like a little girl." Harry's eyes went wide, and his mouth dropped open.

"I-I-I," he stuttered.

"Really Potter, you'd think the Gryffindor hero in you would want to help the little girl locked in the closet screaming to be free," Malfoy smirked.

"Let me out, let me out!" Snape whispered in a high-pitched voice. He and Draco made eye contact, glanced at Harry's horror stricken face, and burst out laughing again.

"Tables turn, Potter. There are no predictable targets from me, well…except you. I doubt I would ever get tired of that look on your foolish mug," Snape managed to get out.

"Well, so what if I am…well, you know. We can't help who we want, can we, _professor_? Personally, I never found bushy-haired know-it-alls to be my cup of tea, unlike some, eh, professor?" Snape's smirk fell instantly, replaced with dark fury.

"My, my how fast those tables turn back. Dizzying, isn't it?" Harry said, taking his turn to smirk at the surprised expression on Snape's face.

"How did you-"

"She's my best friend, professor, and she talks in her sleep. Disturbing, really. So much for girl's night sleepovers."


	2. Part 2

Turning the Tables

A/N: Hope you enjoy! Please review!

Disclaimer: Again, not ours.

"That incompetent witch! All this time she has been determined to sully my time-honored reputation. I should have known." Snape exclaimed vehemently, only causing Harry and Draco to laugh louder. Snape attempted to turn his spite upon the boys, but to little avail.

"Sorry, godfather," Draco said through fits of hysteria, "normally that glare would scare me through, but the situation is just too priceless."

"I agree with Draco," said Harry, "its way too awesome to see you so flustered." Harry and Draco continued to laugh collapsing into each other's arms briefly. Snape glowered at them then smirked and cast a quick spell, sticking the two boys together. They stopped laughing immediately as they tried to pull apart. Draco's hands were stuck on Harry's waist, and the Harry's hands were stuck on Draco's shoulders. No matter how they struggled, they could not break apart.

"Well," Snape began a devilish glint in his obsidian eyes, "I am glad to see you two…_embrace_ your natural inclinations."

Both boys shouted hasty claims of disgust in defense of their masculinity, but they proved to be useless and unconvincing in their present physical predicament.

"Let us go!" Harry demanded.

"For once I'm going to agree with Potter. Release us, Sev. This isn't funny. I can feel my brain dying from being so close to this imbecile." Draco sneered.

"Hey! I'll have you know I am very smart!" Harry argued.

"Sure, which is why Granger had to do all your work."

"Well, it's better than being a daddy's boy!"

"Shut up, Potter."

"Make me!"

"Maybe I will!" Draco exclaimed before capturing Harry's lips with his own.

"I think I am going to be ill," Snape said as his eyes widened.

The kiss lasted a few short minutes, long enough for Snape to run in horror from the room. Finally, they care around to their proper minds and pulled back as far as they could. Draco was the first to break the shocked silence of their mesmerized gaze,

"Well….I think _that _is one prank Snape will regret."

Harry replied, "Yeah, if that's how he reacts, I'll have to do it more often."

"So, you're saying you'll have to kiss me more often, Potter?" Draco smirked. Harry's eyes grew wide, and a blush grew on his cheeks.

"Well I mean—that's not what I—it's just..."

"Oh shut up. You're babbling again," Draco said before catching Potter's lips once again.

"Merlin's beard! You haven't stopped yet!" Severus shouted from the door. Harry and Draco pulled back to laugh then realized that Snape had released them from the sticking charm in the hopes that they would end their romantic interaction.

The two confused boys awkwardly separated, minds reeling now that the "spell" had been broken, both figuratively and literally. Harry cleared his throat and looked anywhere but at Draco.

"Oh stop fidgeting, Potter. People kiss all the time," Draco said, "No one cares. It's not a big deal if we kiss." Harry shrugged.

"Yeah, I mean—we could kiss whenever we wanted and still be enemies, right? It's not a big deal."

"Right. We could kiss whenever…we…wanted…" Draco's eyes lowered to Harry's lips. They eyes each other hungrily. Luckily, Snape interjected.

"Oh no you don't! I refuse to be subjected to that horrendous sight once more. Stay away from each other." Snape said angrily.

"Well…you started it anyways." Draco remarked petulantly. He was tempted to stick his tongue out, but that part of his facial anatomy had other activities still on its mind.

"What, are you prude all of a sudden, professor?" Harry inquired. "Too bad for Hermione."

"Yes, poor little mudbl—I mean...girl." Draco added, peering sheepishly at Harry. Just as Snape's glare began to thunder, the front door slammed loudly. A strong, very angry, female voice shouted,

"Severus Topias Snape!" Everyone froze as a furious Hermione Granger stormed into the room. Snape paled drastically. She came to a stop in front of him.

"May I ask what exactly you were thinking when you informed my boss that I would no longer be working at the Ministry?" She shouted.

"I just thought that in your condition—" Severus started.

"My condition is perfectly fine, you overprotective nitwit! How do you think I felt this morning when I was informed that my replacement was already hard at work!"

"Darling, I was just—"

"Don't you darling me! You are in big trouble!" Hermione snarled at Severus before whirling to face Harry and Draco with a sweet expression.

"How are you boys doing?"

"Um, uh…good." They both muttered, faces cringing in fear of receiving the lash of her anger. Thankfully, Hermione nodded and turned back to face her former professor and present lover with a vengeance in her eyes.

"Wait," Draco whispered to Harry, "Granger's dating my godfather?"

Immediately the young witch whipped her head to pierce poor Draco with a deathly glare. The boys took an instinctive step back, and Draco even took hold of Harry's hand in fearful response of Hermione's fury. She squinted her crazy woman eyes before casting a nasty explosive hex on the window which first showed the supposed flying monster. The boys ducked, and Hermione fled with robes billowing every bit as impressively as the black robes of the man chasing after her.

Once the dust had settled, Harry looked to Draco.

"Are you okay?" Harry asked urgently, only then realizing he was still holding Draco's hand in his.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Draco's gaze followed Harry's down to their hands.

"Hermione can be pretty scary sometimes," Harry said, his eyes never leaving their entwined fingers.

"Yeah, scary," Draco murmured.

"It's a good think I'm a hero then. Since you needed a strong man to cling to," Harry smirked.

Draco scoffed, "Oh, come off it, Potter. You were just as scared as I was."

"I was not! I was merely protecting you!"

"I don't need you to protect me!"

"Oh yeah? Then why are you still holding my hand?"

"You're holding _my_ hand!"

"I am not! You grabbed hold of me!"

"It was in the heat of the moment, nothing more!"

"Then I guess you can let go!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

By this time, they were yelling into each other's faces and breathing rather heavily. Draco's hot breath blew across Harry's lips, causing a shudder to run through him. Heart beating fast, he instinctively leaned forward. Draco's eyes widened as their lips met before slowly closing as he lost himself in the kiss. They sat there gently kissing, fingers still intertwined.

"Well, I'm glad I got that settled…Oh no, not again!" Snape shouted as he reentered the room.

A/N: I promise the next chapter will be much more Hermione/Severus focused. Harry/Draco is violetkitty02's pairing, so that stuff is mostly hers. Review please!


	3. Part 3

Turning the Tables

Disclaimer: Characters belong to J.K.

Part 3

"Hey, we're just two straight guys that want to enjoy each other's bodies, right Harry?" Draco winked at Harry as Snape gawked in surprise.

"You two finally agree on something, and it's denial?" Hermione drawled as she entered the living room.

"Denial, my dear? I think there are far worse crimes being committed here." Severus remarked after taking hold of her waist. Harry glanced down at Snape's hand appearing on his best friend with raised eyebrows. He coughed, and Draco noticed as well, giving his recognition with an answering cough.

"Hey, Kettle?" Harry began.

"Yes, Pot?" Draco replied with quick wit.

"I think Cauldron over there may have missed the irony of his statement, don't you think?"

"Oh indubitable, Pot."

"What do you two imbeciles mean by this ridiculous banter?" Snape spat out at them.

Hermione laid a hand on his shoulder to calm him and said,

"Sweetheart," Snape cringed at such a sappy term of endearment, "I believe they were implying that if anyone is committing a crime, it would be you for dating and impregnating such a young witch."

"Your frank explanations can be rather unnerving at times, you know." Harry interjected.

"Yes, Harry, I am aware."

Severus cut back in, "I take that to mean she is correct about your ill-fit musings, in which case allow me to set your flaming little minds straight, or rather, just correct them. Straight seems out of the question with you two." The boys clasped hands again and gulped in fear of the Potion Master's retribution. Deja vu.

"My relationship with Ms. Granger is completely above board. If I want to be with her in a romantic light then I shall. Our love making was a decision made between two adults. I will not allow you to disparage my name or hers with your idiotic fears and ramblings. Understood?" Harry and Draco simply clung to each other as Snape continued, "In fact, to prove this to you and others…" Snape whirled around to face Hermione.

"Hermione, you are having my child, and I, myself, am…madly in love with you. Will you do me the wondrous honor of being my wife?"

"Oh, Severus!Yes yes yes!" Hermione exclaimed before launching herself into Snape's wool-cloaked arms.

To this display of emotion, the young boys could gape in shock and attempt to withhold the bile gathering in their throats.

By a special twist of luck, Hermione's ex-lover, Ron Weasley, happened to step through the doorway at the particular moment she attacked the old dungeon bat with her kisses. Draco and Harry sprang apart at once.

"One creek to cross at a time for him I think." Harry whispered to Draco, considering Ron's obvious exasperated face staring at Hermione and Snape. Hermione squealed with pure delight as Severus slid a gorgeous vintage diamond heirloom on her left hand. Ron proceeded to turn seven shades of purple-puce.

"But more than a creek this one." Draco remarked, gesturing towards the newly engaged couple.

"River?" asked Harry. Ron went from purple to pale as they looked on.

"More like a lake, I'd say." Draco answered. Then the jealous ginger charged at Hermione and her new lover in an absolute rage.

"Ocean!" Harry and Draco both shouted, then looked at each other and chuckled with the flare of new attraction.

"Stupefy!" Hermione shouted, causing Ron to fall to the floor unconscious. She then levitated him to a chair, and tied him to it. Once he was secure and wandless, she woke him up. Ron lifted his head and blearily looked around until his eyes landed on Snape.

"You slimy snake! What do you think you're doing kissing _my _Hermione! Why I ought to—" A loud smack was heard as Hermione's hand connected with Ron's cheek. Draco winced at the memory of her punch to him in their third year.

"She's vicious. Witch can pack a punch, I tell you. My poor nose has never been the same," Draco murmured to Harry, his hand coming up to gently touch said nose.

"Oh Dray, your nose is the same pointy, aristocratic, adorable nose it's always been," Harry replied, pressing a gentle kiss on Draco's nose.

"Really? You think it adorable?" Draco asked, a light blush coloring his cheeks.

"Harry! What in the blazes are you doing?!" Ron shouted.

"Uh oh…I think I hear the waves of another ocean," Harry muttered before slowly turning to face Ron's reddened face.

A/N: Keep in mind, we intended it to be this ridiculous. Don't take anything seriously. But please do review!


	4. Part 4

Turning the Tables

Disclaimer: It is all mine…I wish.

Part 4

Thus the havoc began. Ron barged back through Severus and Hermione to the two new targets of his impotent rage. Snape attempted to hold the Weasley back as he tried to pull Harry away from Draco in hopes he could prevent the "gay" from fully invading his best friend. All the while, Hermione and Draco shouted verbal reprobations and warnings at the enraged and politically incorrect boy.

Finally, Ron broke away from all of them to catch his breath and absorb the information. (And to keep away from the tip of Hermione's wand).

"Stop! Wait!" They all froze. Ron turned to Hermione who was gradually lowering her wand.

"Mione, you—you…really want to date this sleazy git?" Hermione placed her hand against Severus' chest, her left hand to be precise, and prepared for the worst.

"Umm…marry, actually." Hermione looked up at Severus through her long lashes and they shared a look of joy and unmistakable love at the thought of their union. This was quickly interrupted by a second wind of ginger rage.

"Marry?! But—but…_I _was supposed to marry you!"

"Finders keepers." Snape said calmly with a nonchalant smirk.

Alas, this was too much for Ron's blood pressure, so he decided to take on the next issue with a heightened voice that he usually reserved for overly-large spiders.

"And Harry…you're, um…gay?" Harry lifted his shoulders in a noncommittal shrug and looked away nervously.

Ron swallowed and then continued, "With Draco Malfoy?" Harry wrapped his arms around Draco's bicep and pulled him close with an apologetic whimper.

"I can't believe this! What about me?!" Ron shouted.

"Well, you have two options. You can scour St. Mungo's for some hex-addled girl or you can go die alone. Either one works," Draco said, patting Harry's arm.

"Dray, stop it. You aren't helping the situation," Harry hissed, glaring at Draco as Ron's face glowed an unearthly red.

"NO! NO NO NO NO! You can't have them! Harry and Hermione are my best friends, and I refuse to lose them to some slimy Slytherins! Give them back right now!"

"Ronald, we are not some toys that you can just pass around! Harry and I are still your friends. We just have other people in our lives now. There is no need for all the hysterics," Hermione replied, reaching to place a soothing hand on Ron's arm.

"Yeah mate. We're still here for you," Harry said. He unwrapped from Draco and pulled the other two into a group hug. Everyone sighed in relief as Ron started to relax.

"I'm glad guys. We can all be together as friends. Especially after this: EMERGENCY PORTKEY ACTIVATE!" Ron shouted, making sure to keep a firm grasp on Harry and Hermione. Draco and Severus could merely stand in shock as the Golden Trio disappeared.


End file.
